who am I?

I made a revelation about why my relationship with money isn't quite as healthy as it could and should be. And, in my excitement, I shared it with a friend who responded: " Having fun with money... Isn’t it the whole idea of everything? Being able to feel more joyful in every aspect of our lives and then spread it further. I’m so happy that you got to remember that."

Her wise words are not anything new to me. Fun is one way to raise our vibration so we can attract similar things to us and share forward its ripple effect.

What dawned on me was just how much I have lost the essence of who I truly am; the soul that inspires my body and keeps me stepping forward. In many ways I left the true me behind in childhood before family and societal values were gradually instilled in me and molded me into the person I am today.

Sure there were beliefs and values that I picked up along the way which I strongly opposed and didn't allow to latch onto me. But they are few and far between. Even beliefs and values that I grew up with which I now, as an adult, reject are still present, to an extent, inside of me because they were part of growing up and learning to be part of a family, society, tribe. They shaped me. We all have them, we're just not always aware of how impactful they can be on our lives.

There are a few limiting beliefs that I created for myself which I can easily pinpoint to an exact experience or conversation. But there are others, like my limiting beliefs around money, that have been much more difficult to unravel; like a tangled ball of wool they would just keep getting more and more tangled the more I tried to release them.

And that got me thinking. Who am I? Who really am I?

As I sit here writing this blogpost today, I'm questioning which parts of me, which beliefs and values in me, are actually mine and which have been acquired by me or instilled in me. Which belong to the true essence of who I am, my soul, and which have I picked up along the way?

I think my long journey to discover my limiting beliefs around money has given me some insight into how you can determine whether a belief or value you are carrying is yours or one you picked up along the way.

When you work on your mindset, when you work to remove whichever beliefs may be holding you back, you do a lot of memory work. You go back to younger years, sometimes adult, sometimes childhood, sometimes past lives, and you remember the messages people said around you, the way people behaved around whatever it is you're looking into, what people told you about it.

You do a lot of cord cutting and forgiveness work to release those limiting beliefs.

But what very few, if any, people tell you or encourage you to do is to go back to your very first experience of what you're looking into. In that very first instance, you will find your own personal values and beliefs, uninfluenced by anyone around you. And that is priceless. Because now, rather than just focusing on releasing and cutting away only those things that no longer serve you, you can focus on the very essence of your value and belief. It gives you something to work back towards, to return to.

And this is exactly what has happened me with regards my relationship with money.

I've spent years working on my mindset, releasing beliefs and behaviours that were instilled in me, that were adopted by me, but which weren't serving me because they are not in alignment with my true essence. And yet, nothing seemed to change, I never seemed to move forward. And that's because I kept trying to unravel the tangled and confused mess that surrounded me, diving deeper and deeper but also getting lost and more confused.

I never once sought out my very first experience with money, the very first time I reacted to money without any other person's influence.

And that's where the gold lies.

Because when you know exactly how you feel about money from that very first experience, you've uncovered your true values and beliefs around money. This means that you can then begin to focus on returning to that belief, rather than trying to untangle numerous other beliefs, some of which may never come to the surface.

For me, when I first met money, it was about having fun as I ran to the sweet shop, spent my money, and relished in the sugar-rush that followed. Everything that followed, every reaction and behaviour around money was no longer mine as it was influenced by those around me.

In order for me to rebuild and re-enjoy a healthy relationship with money, I need to return to the feelings I experienced leading up to my sugar-rush. I need to understand that how I feel about money, my very first reaction to money, is who I truly am. It doesn't matter if that doesn't match the beliefs and values of those who have crossed my path throughout my life. Only my very first beliefs and values around money are what should matter to me. Because they are the only ones which reflect my soul.

The challenge that lies ahead of me now is finding ways to be an adult version of that carefree child again, around money. I won't be dashing off to the sweet shop anytime soon for my sugar-rush, but I will find new ways to re-create the experience and sensation.

Whilst I've written this blogpost in relation to money, the same theory can be applied to any relationship. I invite you to explore the true essence of who you really are in all areas of your life, especially those which are a struggle and which you know aren't in alignment with your soul.

Viv xx